“Handy Tools” by Lenny Lightfingers

If you need to pick a lock (for completely legal and unshady purposes, of course) your best friends are a few sturdy paperclips ($1.99 for a pack of 100—keep them in your glove box or backpack) and a broken bristle from a street sweeper (which you can find pretty easily by looking around large parking-lots, like at a mall or university.) The street sweeper bristles are remarkably rigid and work as the main turning force of your makeshift key. The paperclips, when straightened out, work as the grooves and ridges in your key.

Each lock is a bit different, and some are, naturally, too hard-core for such simple tools, but most locks that use keys really aren’t very complicated, once you give them a look.

I suggest starting out by practicing on a cheap bike lock or old door, but once you get the hang of sliding those tools into place and feeling that sucker give way, you can move on to more complex, sturdier fair.

Yep, this is a handy skill to have, and with these cheap, simple tools, and a little practice, you’ll never have to panic over locking yourself out of your house or leaving your keys in your car again. (These suggestions are not to be used for any illegal, shady, or diabolical purposes. He he he…)

—Lenny Lightfingers

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“How to Sell a Used Car” by Randy Long

Things to Do:

1. CLEAN THE CAR. Vacuum, wash, detail.
2. Touch up paint job.
3. Clean tires. Use Tire Black.
4. Clean wheels, 4 matching or hubcaps.
5. Top off fluids.
6. Clean windows.
7. Remove old stickers.
8. If adding new stickers, only on windows (or OEM.)
9. Add AM/FM CD player.
10. Have a clean title.

Now you’re ready.

Make a list of pluses on car. Write up a portfolio on vehicle.
For sale sign.
On sign put basics, such as
1991 CRX-HF Honda, 2 door, 1.5 L, 4 cyl
5 sp, Runs good, looks good, nice interior.
AM/FM CD player, seat covers, clean,
nice tires, wheels, good tags, clean title.
Great Running Car $3,000.00 Phone Number.
Put in front window.
Next, take pictures, 10 to 12, no clutter.
Take pictures of vehicle by itself.

Next, put ad in newspaper or Craigslist. I prefer Craigslist.
Open account on Craigslist.
Post to classifieds.
Go to state, city for ad.
Go to Cars-n-trucks by owner.
(All in caps)
CRX-HF HONDA Price $3,000.00.
City, state, zip code.

(State Description of Vehicle.)
All caps
1991 HONDA CRX-HF
2 dr. 1.5 L fuel
Injected 5 sp = 40+ mpg
Nice body, nice interior. Runs great, looks great, nice tires and wheels, AM/FM CD player.
Second owner, clean title, good tags.
$3,000.00. Possible trade. Phone number.
VERY dependable car.

Post 8 of best pictures.
Finish posting and post around 1st of month and renew ad on Friday mornings.
Always ask 3 or 4 hundred more than what you want.
(You can always go down, but you can’t go up.)
Repost often.

Make sure you get buyer’s information.
Make sure you date title.
Make sure you fill out seller’s report and report sale immediately on internet.
It may save you later.
You’re responsible for vehicle in your name.

—Randy Long

[Editor’s Note: I don’t know what “OEM” is, or if that’s what Randy actually wrote in the section about putting new stickers on a car because I couldn’t be certain of the hand written letters on the page. If someone thinks I’ve made an error in my transcription, let me know and I’ll correct it!]

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“How to Buy a Used Car” by Randy Long

How to choose a used car.

There are many things to consider when looking for a car. First thing to do is find out the price you want to pay. Next thing to do is find out what you want in a car, and where to look and the distance you will go.

You can look in many different places, neighborhoods, car lots, newspapers, Craigslist, Autotrader, eBay, web browsing, just to name a few.

Personally, I find my best choices locally and on Craigslist.

When looking for a vehicle, once you know what you want and how much you want to spend, you check your neighborhood, then you check Craigslist, and know the distance you are willing to travel.

Find out if you want to go east, west, north, south. For my area, north or south are my choices, towards Seattle, north, or south to Portland. Usually, I go south.

I check Craigslist south under Portland, under cars-n-trucks, by owner. If you go to car lots, you will pay more because of salesman’s commissions and overhead.

Next, once you have found at least 3 or 4 vehicles you have called, usually on a weekend (more people are home,) set approximate times that same day to look at them. Always take someone with you, preferably someone who knows mechanics.

Next, when you inspect a car, always find something wrong with the vehicle. This is leverage on price. Also check the oil, water, and gauges. Always, after the test drive, say, “What’s your bottom dollar?” You get to know what the person is thinking and how negotiable they are. Ninety percent of the time, they tell you their bottom price. That’s when you tell them what you have to do to the vehicle, all the work you have to do to it. Even if you love the vehicle, downplay one thing. Always remember, there’s always another vehicle for sale. If not today, tomorrow.

When negotiating, the friend you brought can always help you by saying a lower price, so whatever you pay, it’s your friend’s fault in the seller’s eyes. (Have your friend tell the seller and you that 3 or even 5 hundred less is all he’d pay.) Never say bad things about the vehicle, but you can point out its flaws, reassuring the owner that the vehicle is still nice.

Always make sure they have a clear title. You don’t want title hassles. They aren’t worth any vehicle. (I know!) Once you get the price set, make sure you get the seller’s information.

Get a receipt, title signed, dated, give them the money, get the keys, you or your friend take the vehicle to follow back home, wherever that is, making sure the vehicle is safe to drive.

Always check the fluids, oil, water, etc., before and after getting home. Keep an eye on the gauges.

—Randy Long

[Editor’s Note: Normally, this type of “self-help” article wouldn’t be appropriate for a literary or art blog, like The Primitive Entertainment Workshop. However, when you consider the creative nature of the delivery, as well as the performance / ritual aspects of the “negotiation,” this piece, as well as the next work on “selling,” fit in just fine. Besides that, it’s my damn blog, and I can put anything I want on it, so leave me alone! Jerks…]

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