[The following article is reprinted from the Misty Mountain Gazette, Henpeck, WA.]
14 Mar. 2013–Henpeck, WA— Beloved artist, illustrator, and social critic, Grover Von Eyesocker, Jr., whose mascot, “Chippy,” adorned the boxes of Boolean Loops cereal for three decades, was discovered this morning on the kitchen floor of his apartment in northern Henpeck. He was 103 years old. Though officers on the scene discovered seventeen knives of various sizes embedded in Von Eyesocker’s back and in the back of his head, at this time Henpeck County detectives have declared the death an accident.
Senior Detective, Joe Smaltz says, “We see no reason to jump to the conclusion that foul play was involved in this unfortunate occurrence. Not in our community. It was probably just an accident, a horrible, horrible accident. The victim—ahem—the unfortunate citizen, was very old, after all.”
Sources within the police department say that Yichard Rates, noted Big Pharma stooge and android, is wanted for questioning, although those same sources say they are “pretty sure” that the questioning is not going to be related to Von Eyesocker’s death. “Not in our community,” they were heard to mumble as they walk away. Somehow, this reporter is not convinced.
—Fosterbreath
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