Saturday, August 19, 2017

“W.L.O.G. News Special Report!” by Floyd Zinbeck

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this special announcement. Reports have been coming in for the last twenty minutes concerning a creature of immense size that has reportedly risen from the Columbia River and is currently climbing the Clarkstown Bridge, which connects Henpeck, WA, with Clarkstown, OR.

The creature is estimated to be between 50 and 70 feet tall, although, because of its strange, slug-like body, which seems to stretch and bend as the creature moves, accurate estimates of its exact size are impossible to make. In addition to a thick, mucus encrusted body, the creature is said to have approximately a dozen eyes on long, thin stalks protruding from its head, each eye capable of moving independently in any direction.

Authorities on the scene, on both the Washington and Oregon sides, have closed the bridge to commuter traffic, which has caused a loud and rather violent protest from citizens attempting to cross the river. Those wishing to travel between the two states are now forced to either drive to Port Town, approximately forty miles down the Interstate 5 corridor, travel west to Skunk Junction to take the ferry across the river, or continue all the way to the toll bridge at Broken Ankle Point at the mouth of the Columbia.

More on this shocking traffic catastrophe as the story develops!

—Floyd Zinbeck, W.L.O.G. News Anchor

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[Originally posted 1 Apr. 2013 @ The P.E.W.]

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